Bacon Butties and Cannibals

I have been on a diet ... okay trying to be on. Nothing fancy mind you, just a sensible cutting down on fatty foods and sweets, eating smaller portions and - most importantly - trying to get into the habit of eating breakfast. It's been a success as I have lost some weight. So tonight I decided to treat myself - one bacon sandwich. Big deal you say? Well I decided it wouldn't hurt to fry the bacon for a change. I haven't fried bacon since my teenage years...

I like my bacon crispy - hard to achieve by grilling - but frying managed perfectly. But first I had the debate: Should I fry in butter or oil? Luckily my hand was forced, I have no butter in the house (never do - butter or biscuits - if I did I would just eat them. Then I'd need a 4x4 to carry my lardy-arse around and I'd hate to be a hypocrite [see previous blog]) so I used Olive Oil. Remarking to myself that the smell of the frying bacon was very agreeable it crossed my mind to fry the bread as well. Fried bread and bacon sandwich. It took no further debate to sell myself the idea.

So there it was - lightly crisped bacon sat between two breifly fried pieces of bread dressed in a brand name Brown Sauce. I took a bite... The bacon tasted strong and tangy, the frying pulling out the saltiness of the bacon just perfectly, while the oily juices from the fried bread oozed between my teeth delightfully. It was GREAT... no MARVELLOUS the best bacon buttie I have every had. The crispy bacon exploded with taste compared to the limp nonsense that is grilled bacon.

But now how am I going to forget that taste? I'm caught in a dilemma - risk a cardiac arrest by the time I'm 50 or deny myself sweet fragrant fried bacon. I mean why live for longer if you only have limp bland bacon to look forward too? This internal debate will rage for months so I'll keep you informed. Such is the absurdity in my life...

Now for the...

Rant

I believe Plato said there are three kinds of people in the world, and he used the reasons people attend the Olympics to define them:

1. Those who go to sell souviners. They are motivated by gaining wealth. [I say greed.]
2. Those who go to compete. They are motivated by personal glory. [I say ego.]
3. Those who go to watch. Those motivated by learning. [I say the good guys...]

It should be clear which set I think I belong to.

So, to get to the point - is there anything more useless than a footballer?

Huh? ... What? ... (bear with me here).

During any football match there are 22 guys, who if they ceased to exsist the world would not be any worse. Hold up there aren't you being a little harsh? Urmmmmmmmm... NO. See most footballers are motivated by 2 and 1 above - ego and greed - and I don't think these demonstrate good character.

How much do you get paid to kick a ball around? Say again? No please you have to be joking.

Why do you run around like you have just cured cancer when you score a goal? Have you achieved anything worth-while?

Why do you cry when you lose a game? I mean why is losing so bad? Sure it's good to win but come on crying when you lose?

But of course there is something worse than a footballer - only just mind you - and that is your average football fan. At least the footballer puts effort in, and perhaps has (had) a passion for what he is doing above and beyond the money. But the fans? Well I live in Scotland and we have some of the most interesting fans - those loving sorts of the teams Rangers and Celtic.

My first question to any football fan is why do you get so excited when your team scores or wins? You have contributed nothing to the goal or victory. Plus as I say above it's just a G. A. M. E.

(A further question directed at Rangers fans who wave Union Jacks about. Urm why? I hope none of you vote SNP because if you do - you seem to be missing the point of that flag you happily wave around.)

People who state - full of conceit - our team beat yours in XYZ competition amuse me. And? So what your team won the game. What about that really mean? Anyhow I don't have a team - I'm not big on this tribal thing you primitive ape.

Yes that is all it is: a form of primitive tribal behaviour. I say primitive tribal because I once read about a tribe called the Asmat - I think they live in Papua New Guinea - who were taught football by Christian missionaries. They even setup a league - The Bush League. Every Saturday teams would meet for enthusiastic games of football. Despite the fierce competition every game would end in a draw. The priests could not understand this, until one finally got so exasperated that he pointed out that the object of the game was to try and beat the other team, that someone was supposed to win. The locals considered the man as if he was young with much to learn - "No", they said "That is not the way of things. Not in Asmat - if someone wins then someone else has to lose - and that would never do."

I doubt your average football fan (or footballer) sees the world with such clarity and understanding. Not that I am advocating the noble savage - the Asmat are after all cannibals and you and I? We are the Manowe - The Edible Ones...

So the next time you are in the stands with the tribal drums beating away, and your war paint on just consider how evolved you are watching your gladitorial sport. hrmmm... I guess that's why it's played with the feet - a thumb is not a pre-requiste...

Fun
Escape the Closet (Requires Shockwave and thumbs).